Easter

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away.

I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone.

As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound. 

I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face. 

My head hurts every day. People use all sorts of names for me, either good ones with fake smiles or the ones that at best show little respect and at worst dehumanize. I recognize the sing song voices and the lies I once did not.

After 600 pages from one mental hospital, if you still think it is wise to play with me, then you are completely blind and deaf and there is no saving you. 600 pages!?! Even I have trouble believing it. Play with the cat. He's my better nature.

I was many things. Now I am many pieces. I can barely care for myself. Leave me alone. 2 comas. 2 comas. TWO COMAS. I do not need a 3rd.

Eventually, you'll have to truly hear something i say or stop fucking with me.

We can argue until the end of time about what I need, what i am capable of, who I am, or where I went wrong. Waste of energy. You got your own 600 pages? File them. Then stay the hell away from me.

Develop some common sense. Do not play with fire. Someone will get burnt.