Musical Diagnoses

Well, the hospital talked to the doctor talked to the internist talked to the counselor talked to the... wait? What's on the chart? Let's see...

Blood Pressure, 135/84 (Not bad!)

Pulse 68 (Great!)

Weight: gained a couple pounds back

Problem List: (This is the funny part)

Annual wellness exam (As if that is useful)

Long term use of drug (they're called prescriptions. You wrote them)

Chronic midline backpain without sciatica (as if that is unusual)

GERD (from taking clozaril and eating too much plus stress)

High risk medication use (kinda repetitive)

Severe episode of Recurrent major depressive disorder, WITHOUT psychotic features)

Sleep apnea, Obstructive (I don't sleep so good. Thanks, Clozaril weight gain plus stress)

Deviated nasal septum (from an impact)

Chronic Idiopathic constipation (gotta love this terminology)

Auditory processing Disorder (Don't hear so great)

GERD with esophagitis (As if that wasn't mentioned above)

Treatment resistant DEPRESSION (they keep inventing new types)

PTSD (Still here)

Mental Health Problem (Gotta love this one. I didn't want DID on the chart so they made one up)

Prediabetes (Another diet thing... though I'm barely in the range)

NAFLD (Nonalcoholic fatty liver... stress and clozaril)

Internal Hemorrhoids (The problem everyone wants to know)

Hyperlypidemia (This one seems new)

Weight Loss, unintentional (And here they state the obvious)

Chronic nausea (Thank you, stress and ADHD meds)

Psychosis (This one pops up from time to time)

Bipolar episode, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features (make up your mind)

Autism Spectrum Disorder (Here we go again)

ADHD (The first one I ever got)

BMI of 27-27.9 (shrug)

Annnnnnnnnd... down to 5 meds. 2 depression, 1 PTSD, 1 Blood pressure, one non-benzo anxiety)

Annnnnnnnnd... they're finally getting my name right.

Annnnnnnnnd... thank God no new referrals... Talk to the counselor to the internist to the GI Doc.

The one thing we decided for sure is that if I'm in the hospital again MIP will call me by the name on the chart or the guy with the name that rhymes with tent and the people above him will be hearing from me. Changed my emergency contact. Signed the new consent forms to coordinate care. So now the Psych can talk to the counselor who gets all the paperwork anyways and knows this is a bunch of bullshit that doesn't need fancy terms to describe it. I was raised by hospitals. This is the end result. Fathers were doctors and mothers were nurses. And now I'm here. With a problem list. And no ADHD meds. Cuz they suck.

Back in two weeks.

I am numero ocho.