Abandonment Fantasies

Yesterday, I had another one. I was in the counseling office, working with Intern #1. There were people in the hallway. One of them sounded like Intern #2 that I had just met with the other day. I recognized tone of voice, I filled in details even as I was talking to Intern #1, and there I was on the encrypted app, telling my counselor that these people can't quit on me. I was wrong. There were only five other people in the building. Two professionals, Intern #1, two other people.

I had the earplugs in most of the time. Now I'm getting the noise cancelling ones. I gotta pick my realities carefully. When I'm on too much meds, I don't do that. I don't put myself in the right places when I'm on too much meds. I'm picking my places and people carefully. Earplugs... Need new glasses with the tinting and antiglare to control the light. Wear masks when I'm feeling cross, so people don't ask me questions.

I got my own problems. Leave them alone. Leave the professionals alone. Don't weaponize me. If you're over the age of 18, you have legal responsibilities. Keep them in mind. If you're not, talk to an adult when you have a problem or concern. If you follow, stay within the limits of the law. Don't follow too close. Find different outlets here and there. Give people space. Auditory. Visual. Tactile. Those are important boundaries. Don't you go haunting. We don't need more ghosts.

These professionals, they restructure your thoughts. They use careful wording, tone of voice... it's called suggestion. I've done hypnosis. That has risks. It went the wrong way a bit. You have sensory issues, you gotta be careful with public places. You get overwhelmed. That's why church doesn't do it for me. Too much stimulation. I get overwhelmed and I shut down. It's not a spiritual thing. Yes, I was raised Catholic. Yes, it is still a guiding framework for me. No, I can't go to church much. No, I'm not a Satan worshiper. Some very moral, religious people don't know many people. And they do great. I'm not saying I'm them. I'm saying it can be done.

Riggs was big on the psychoanalysis/psychodynamics. A lot of suggestion. That psychologist had a gentle touch. Said very little. Restructured my mind a bit. He missed some things, I think. Now I do the family/relations type stuff. They do the rest.